TUESDAY, MARCH 8, 2011
A Journey?
I went to a practitioner of alternative healing methods yesterday brought on by my midnight endless excursion into the internet last week. I decided to challenge these intense feelings I felt about the whole thing. Plus, I feel like I am stuck in a sort of limbo, and the conventional stuff isn’t helping me — and as a logical choice, why keep trying something over and over again if it has the same results but you expect something different. As absurd as I felt confirming the appointment, I went because curiosity overtook me. At least that’s what I tell myself instead of the fact that the thought of pursuing something like this has afflicted me for some years and lately quite often. I even wrote my final paper in my medical anthropology class about alternative medicine – Though there is only minimal evidence supporting the effectiveness of alternative treatments, why shouldn’t people use it anyway? The placebo effect accounts for an average of 30% effectiveness rate on most medicine anyway. If the point of medicine is to help people feel better and live healthier lives, does it matter the process to achieve it?
I felt very nervous the whole meeting. I could tell that Laura, the healer, seemed a very authentic person, and I could tell she loves what she does. The stack of books in her calming and simple environment spoke of a pursuit of knowledge in her field.
I felt very nervous the whole time. Especially talking about myself. I am such a closed, private individual. After some reflection today, it most likely stems from fear. Fear of unacceptance. Of being judged an unworthy person if someone actually knew my insides.
I felt very nervous, except for a few brief moments. We did a short breathing/relaxation exercise where Laura encouraged me to breath into my heart. As if my breath filled up and expanded my heart. This feeling, she explained, helps bring the neutral mind – the balance of the negative (critical, thinking, logical) side of our mind and the positive (emotional, feeling) mind. This is how I should make decisions that will be true and right for my life. I struggled to breathe when my chest felt so tight and closed. I imagined my heart filling, and I could feel myself struggling against whatever it was. Relaxation? After a few moments, I felt calm. We opened our eyes, and for a brief moment, the world seemed clear around me. And I felt a little peaceful.
I struggled to hang onto that feeling for the rest of our consultation and lost. Not, however, before I decided to take the risk and try the program. I knew that if I did not take this opportunity, I would always wonder – what if? I attempt to live by the words: ”Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade wind in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.” – Mark Twain
Sometimes, leaving the safe path to the unknown risky one seems so scary. I have a feeling that it will be much more difficult than I anticipate especially acceptance and forgiveness. (I’m not sure if I have ever forgiven myself for perceived mistakes… I don’t even think I know how…)
Explore
Reading Step 1 Awareness
Honesty with myself: finding it difficult to keep my mind open – which I find surprising and a little troubling. I believe in multiple truths – that there is no one right answer for any person or any people. I can hardly think otherwise minoring in religious studies in college. Maybe it is a cop-out giving myself permission not to personally believe in anything? Sure, other people can live by any beliefs and I will accept them for exactly who they are – religion and spirituality is often a deep part of an individual’s identity. I accept people for ALL of who they are. Yet I cannot accept myself? That I may and can participate in forms of spirituality?
I think that I will ask Laura if she could recommend some further reading into step one – awareness. Particularly about the “consciousness” discussion. Regardless of my struggling with beliefs, I always give 1 million percent to everything I commit myself to – I will learn and ask questions and explore my humanity in a new way through the Graceful Transformations program.
MONDAY, MARCH 14, 2011
Resonating (rage)
Since I met with Laura last week (which seems definitely more than only a week ago) I have been paying more attention to myself. Trying to be aware of my thoughts. Of what I react emotionally to before I attempt to ignore the feelings. What excites me. What hurts me. What I think about in curiosity over and over again.
Something I have been thinking about over and over again is the book I read on Indigo children. At our first meeting, Laura mentioned that I seemed like I might be an Indigo – not that I was or not – but she stated after she discovered that she was an Indigo, so many things became clear to her.
I did not understand what she meant, because I did not understand what Indigo meant. That afternoon, I went to the library to pick up some books. I make a habit of scanning through the books ready to be shelved that over patrons checked out and returned. For some reason I find it fascinating and in this case, a surprise! I found a book titled, “Indigo Children” Of course, I had to check it out and read. I believe in chance. In odds. In statistics. I also believe things happen for a reason. That somehow, the universe or maybe just your unconscious sends opportunities for learning, for growth, for becoming more of who you are and who you were meant to be.
I found this book and read it. Though the intended audience was geared toward parents of suspected Indigo children, I found myself remember things from my past and identifying myself in the words and descriptions explained.
I can’t believe totally in the concept of an Indigo people any more than I can rationally commit to myself being a Libra and believing that my personality, thoughts and behavior patterns are predetermined to such a radical degree. However, I can ponder the implication. I can wonder. I can reserve my right to say if it is or is not true (or half true or part true). But most importantly, I can see myself. Maybe a lot of people can see themselves too. I can’t see myself in everything of course, nor did I expect to. But I can use it as a tool – a mirror – to recognize – to feel the vibrations of familiarity resonating in my mind like tapping a large church bell.
Recognitions (Resonations) includes this incredible RAGE. Indigos apparently are destined to change the world, born wise enough to change the world, and are born knowing that they will, and feel a special kind of anger (rage) when the world isn’t yet meeting their standards. They are enraged because the world is not changing fast enough. Enraged by incongruence. Enraged when others fail to act ethically. Enraged by injustice. At least I do/have. I remember when I was younger I would literally be ENRAGED at my parents because they smoked. I remember attempting to logically debate with them a number of different times in my youth how undeniably BAD it was for your body. [...]
From then on until I was in college, (I must have been around 12 or 13) I wrapped myself in a wall of stone. Of steel. I specifically remember imagining many times that a wall of shinning steel (a fortress, a cell) enveloped me. Kept me safe. Nothing could get in to hurt me. Nothing gave me enough reason to care. Nobody would listen. Nobody would change. Why spend all my energy, my emotion, my tears to something that wouldn’t matter anyway.
I remember thinking that way. I was still sad a lot. Now I was sad that no one would understand. Especially me, who was cold and hard and cared about no one. For a very long time, I didn’t know (ignored lied to myself) that I could feel things. Feel empathy. Feel other real people’s (characters in books felt things all the time) pain and joy.
I don’t know when it changed. Gradually, like most things in life I’m sure. I somehow opened up. Challenged my steel tower. Took the risk to make mistakes. To become more myself.
That’s what this is. I am searching for myself again. I am finding (re-finding redefining) what it means to be me. Am I the person who is always sad? Am I just cynical? Am I merely a realist? Am I a positivist in disguise? Am I only happy when I am busy? Or am I just happy because I am ignoring deeper, more serious issues? Am I just melodramatic? Why can’t I just be happy with my life like all the books/people/advice/common sense say? Why must I feel like there is more (MORE!) and that I am always searching? Is it that I will never be satisfied? Is my search for some unknowable destiny only another avoidance of addressing those deeper issues? What in the world does it mean to be me? I took my first baby steps towards holding up a fuzzy and unclear mirror. And I feel a little baby step better. Tonight I will try the meditation again.
Tuesday, MARCH 22, 2011
Last night I meditated. Maybe just a few moments. But think I felt it. I felt calm. And a different feeling that I normally do. I did my yoga poses and then my meditation. And I felt better. Not that I thought I didn’t feel just fine before, but now it was better. I noticed while I was breathing and repeating the words, that I starting feeling different. THEN my other side of my mind questioned and questioned and questioned it and completely distracted me from the good feelings. Hopefully I learn to embrace things I do not quite understand, especially if I feel better for it. Why should I question something that only does good?
Wednesday, MARCH 23, 2011
Edge
Ever since I met with Laura last week, I feel as if an “edge” has been softened. My intense emotions (especially anger) seem to not create the same intensity as before. It feels good to feel the tingling (energy) on the left side of my body that I did not notice was missing. I go through the motions of anger and indignant outrage, but it seems more of a reflex or a habit – the emotion seems missing but I continue to perform the actions and behaviors. Is the source of my frustrations in life simply myself and my bad habits?
The feeling of … neutralness I suppose I would describe it, is perpetuated by the yoga exercises and meditation that Laura challenged me to do. In fact, I feel not quite anxious, but a little restless without doing them in a day. Like I feel right now. I feel (urged, guided) to do them now.
Thursday, MARCH 24, 2011
Meditation Exercise 1 – Awareness
I wrote pages and pages and pages after exercise 1. My soul poured/purged out of my fingers onto the pages. I can hardly read the words now that I wrote them. I did not originally want to do the exercise. I think I was afraid of what I would tell myself. Going through each chakra, especially the first one, brought back many painful memories from when I was young. Things that I thought didn’t matter. Things that I’ve always tried to compartmentalize into the box in my brain labeled, “things that shaped me from my past.” And that must be a… not a good thing… but a regular thing. A fact. It simply existed as a fact. Childhood was painful. Fact. Bad things happened. Fact. Good things happened. Fact. I didn’t realize how much of it I carry with me. How much it influences my behavior. How much it has affected my life. I thought I had more control over my emotions… over my reaction… over my thoughts and ultimately over my life.
It provided me very clear insight into especially the disconnect between what I say and think in my head, and what I actually say aloud. I have always been a quiet person, but I thought that it was because I was simply a quiet person. Now, I think I have been quiet because I believe/d my voice did not matter anyway. Who would or could possibly understand when no one has before? It is better to simply be silent. I am hopeful with awareness, I can change.
Monday, MARCH 28, 2011
Acceptance?
What AM I afraid of? I have asked this question many times lately. When I start to feel my brows furrow, my breathing grow short and my heart beat faster. What am I afraid of? Relaxing? There must be a reason that my body is responding this way – as if I am in some sort of danger physically, mentally or emotionally. “Death” is what Laura’s text states. The end of the ego – whom I imagine is my habits. The voice in my head that tells me that I can’t. I won’t. I shouldn’t. And it doesn’t matter anyway. It makes sense though. This ego knows only the past, and experience, and mine sees me continuing to make mistakes. To fail. To be sad. And when I ask it why I can never change, it tells me that it’s the way it has always been. I have always been lazy, and bad at math, and irresponsible with money, and unorganized and late for everything. When I change, when I feel really pumped up and take my first few steps, I feel elation. Then doubt. Then misery. I might as well give up because I will never finish anyway. THAT is what he tells me – this ego that apparently is a male pronoun in my mind.
What happens when I do change? Or better yet, how can I tell my ego that I must change, or that change is normal, so that when it happens, I support myself over and over again in a cycle of acceptance and love? As I write this, I have no idea what that feels like.
Friday, April 1, 2011
Hmm….
I feel different. Like, in a calm way? A peaceful way? Neither of those terms are true to what I am feeling because they remind me of yogi masters who meditate for hours and hours without movement, or people feeling the rapture from their religion. Nah. I just feel… quiet. My insides are quieter. My voice in my head that questions/doubts/criticizes everything insistently is just sitting back and taking in the world, looking curiously from far away. Noting things.
David says I feel different. I am carrying myself differently. I am always smiling, even when I am not *actually* smiling.
I feel … quiet, like the quiet in the woods – the quiet that is not quiet at all, but buzzing with soft sounds of life and energy. I feel (soft, buzzing) quiet. Hmm… how strange this feeling feels on my skin. But how lovely it feels.
Friday, April 8, 2011
Step 2 Acceptance Meditation
What a change from the first meditation! Funny thing was, through all the parts, I felt something distinctly different. In the mirror, I couldn’t make out my reflection, so I made it appear out of the water – rise up from the gently rippling water to manifest into themselves. My negative mind looked icy blue and felt cold, the tingling of gratitude and acceptance energy felt a cool wind to it. It made my right eye ball cold! The whole left side of my body and right side of my brain tingled.
My positive mind was very pinkish/fusia in that color area. The fuscia one seemed more glowy. It was hard to feel the tingle from the glowy side because I think it was warm like my body. The thought ran through my head that the positive mind feels so subtle that it was easy to ignore. Perhaps that is why I have in the past.
My subconcious was very grey. It made the back of my head tingle at first, then my whole body felt pulsy/tingly as I thought acceptance and gratefulness to all my limitations brought up through the awareness meditation. I stayed like this for a while. When I felt ready, I opened my eyes, but it was hard! They felt all funky like they we’re supposed to be there. I feel… a strange happy. Not like deliriously happy, or happy because I laughed. Happy like… maybe what I normally am supposed to feel like…? Normal happy? Content? Accepted?
~scratches head~
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Step 2 Acceptance Journaling Exercise
This exercise was exhausting. It took my only an hour, but I feel like it took forever… not that I didn’t have anything to write, but because it seems to be pulling out of me rather than pouring out from an enclosed prison crying out for freedom, for noticing. This was more like pulling out the shadows in those corners of the empty cells and examining them for what they are. They didn’t really want to come out. His parts wanted to stay in my head in the parts I overlook. The parts my eyes automatically gloss over and skip. I guess I always knew they were there, but I had to take out pieces of myself and make them take a hard look in the mirror. I am exhausted.
*Note: Felt the need to do the acceptance meditation again – thought it was interesting to note that I had to hug my “ego” visualization for it to feel better, for it to accept the gratitude and acceptance. 
Now off to bed! Less exhausted but now just really tired!
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
1 Command
I like doing the one command. I feel energized. Calm. Peaceful. I feel the feelings that sometimes I forget what they feel like because they are so new! It helps myself remember. This is so much easier for me than most of the other meditations.
…Ah I feel better now.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Forgiveness
“Forgiveness means that you accept the fact that you are ready to let go of whatever emotion you have been holding onto about something someone has done.”
“If you decide that you cannot forgive someone, what you are actually doing is denying yourself the right to have a peaceful mind.”
“It also requires that we take responsibility for everything.”
It is hard to think about people being completely non-altruistic. That they only think of themselves. It makes my brows furrow. I feel I do so much to try and serve others. But I do that because of the benefits it provides me. The sense of well-being and connectedness from serving others. The sense that I helped the world in some small and significant way. Yes. It makes me feel good. Can I ever forgive myself for the things that do not make me feel good? These judgments about myself. My mistakes? My selfishness?
Thursday, April 14, 2011
A Letter to Myself
Dear Stephanie,
These are the things that I have had a really tough time with about you…
I hate it when you don’t do the things you know that you should… Cleaning, meditating, doing things timely, getting up and getting ready early, judging David, buying fast food, wasting leftovers, not taking care of your car, not throwing away garbage, not expanding your mind. You always watch TV and never do all the things you really want to do with your life. Build a portfolio, EXERCISE, finish cookbooks, blog, learn all that stuff from Khan University, finish school…. donate money, volunteer. How is it okay that tell at David to be honest and always do what you say you will do. Live congruently to your values. Don’t lie. Yet you continue to lie to yourself over and over again. You let me down over and over again; you say you will do all these things and yet, you do not. Over and over for years even. This has made me feel hurt and encouraged me to lose faith in you. To deem you unreliable and untrustworthy. You keep hurting me over and over with what seems like a cold indifference. How is it okay to treat me that way? You have hurt me so much. I know you feel guilty and ashamed from your actions and inactions. And they go into your head and translate to all those bad thoughts about us, but we need to do something about it, you and I.
Even though this has made me feel hurt, *I know that there is so much you have done for me/us that far overshadows any transgressions. I know that you spend time tirelessly thinking of all the great possibilities in our life and the best ways to get there. I know you work tirelessly every single day for the betterment of me, of you, and our lives. I know you spend so much time and energy into making us better people. Making the world a better place. You are so observant and insightful. And so intelligent! Sometimes I am awed by the ideas that manifest out of your mind. The things you and we accomplish together is really something that is impossible to grasp. Thank you. Stephanie, for the years and years of unwavering love and commitment to me. Thank you.
Even though sometimes your behaviors have made me feel hurt, I am ready to let go of this pain and forgive you. Forgive myself. I know that you were trying to do what was best for us at the time, but I must be honest and say that it hasn’t really been all that helpful. I am ready to let go of being hurt by this. I am ready to let go. I am ready to let go of this guilt and shame from this. I am ready to let go.
I forgive you, and I love you.
Stephanie.
*added a Thank-You part after my next session with Laura, AND about a week’s worth of reflection and mind-work to help it feel/be true.
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Why Cry?
Why why am I crying so much lately? I don’t feel particularly depressed. I think. At least not when I cry. I cried again and again from Jamie Oliver’s food revolution. The power of a committed group of people working together for what is right. Adults listening to teenager’s voices. I just cried from a video of the choir performing at their Coming Home concert from South Africa. Oh God. just thinking about it… feels like something powerful and welling and passionate in my chest. I can’t hold it in so it comes out as tears – the only way my body knows how to manifest this feeling.
Why are my dreams taking so long?
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Avoiding
Step 3 going on… what? 3 weeks in…. is THE HARDEST THING EVER for me. Forgiving myself seems impossible. Lately I have been sleeping ALL the time. When I’m not sleeping, I am avoiding anything do to with meditation. With the exercises. It literally feels like someone [my self? my ego? an alien?] Is just pushing and pushing me away from facing this once again — yet I can’t get my letter to myself out of my head. It has been bumping around in there this entire time, and I think that I might be able to finally move on. I created more than one scenario in my head of my selves talking to each other, working things out. It kind of feels/felt like I had a big fight with a really good friend or someone else I am truly close with, and my friend told me she forgave me for all the awful things she listed, but I knew that she didn’t *really* mean it. So then I, the other Stephanie grew mad and bitter towards HER because of the hurtful things she said to ME! Doesn’t it sound like a strange 1-person high school show in my head?! In my imaginings, they talked a lot about their feelings. Tried hugging, and now, I think they finally made up. I feel like the smarting is almost gone. Like they might tentatively be able to trust each other again. To be comfortable in my own company.
Maybe now I can sleep for rejuvenation instead of escape. Let’s give it a go and see if I can make things right with myself!
Monday, April 25, 2011
Final [Finally!] Forgiveness Meditation
Wow! I feel so light. I kept imagining the little feelings of doubt in my chest and other places in my body, as indicators of something to let go of, and forgive. I imagined opening up my body and instead of organs I found light and some sludge. By giving an opening the sludge floating up as if waiting for the opportunity to leave, and they glowed and turned green. There was a lot of sludge in my abdomen area. Gobs and gobs. I thought it might be producing there and it wouldn’t ever end, but it did, and I cleaned it out so only a soft light was left.
I feel very buoyant, as if I could simply rise up into the sky by breathing.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
I have never. NEVER. Once in my life that I can remember, been so … content.
David told me the other day that he noticed I had not yelled out frustrated and defeated, “everything sucks” in months. Months! I don’t even know when that last happened. And it’s not like everything is going great even… my relationship is a little confusing… my finances are in disrepair… my social life is non-existent. Yet. Everything still feels o.k.
I told David that it didn’t seem like anything I do has really changed, and he replied that not really, it hasn’t, but how you think about these things on the inside has changed. I feel so… good.
<3
Thursday, May 19, 2011
I release things all the time since this step. I feel anger, frustration, sadness — and I let it go. I imagine that I concentrate them into little bubbles in my body and they float out into the sky leaving my mind. All the stuff in my past that I used to be ashamed about, angry, frustrated, guilty, hurt. It all seems… unimportant now. Seriously even the way I think about myself is different. I used to grimace a lot when I looked in the mirror at myself, seeing all the things that were “wrong”. Now, it’s just me. Interesting. Pretty even. Happy. NEVER, I cannot stress how important that is — Never have I ever done this every single day, or really ever. Others might not/probably don’t notice because I have always given this “face” of cheerfulness and positivity, though I didn’t feel it on the inside. Now it sort of matches up. And then some. I feel like it’s okay to be me.