3/5/2011
Hi Laura!
Thanks so much for taking the time to meet with me yesterday! I’m so excited to start this program- you have no idea- or maybe you do….
It feels like I’ve been stuck in the same pattern and rut for so long and I’m so tired of that. To actively take a step to encourage my personal greatness and get out of that rut is SO liberating! I have you to thank for that. Yesterday in the car on the way home, I felt like a great weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I didn’t even know it was there. How sad is that? I don’t need to be living a life weighed down. No one does. It’s time to stop repeating the pattern. It’s time to become what I’ve meant to be. It’s time to allow myself to take some time to work on ME. To give myself the gift of time and accept the that gift for ME-my own benefit. It’s time to recognize my strengths and beauties and time to realize my weaknesses and transform those into things of beauty also. It’s time to be comfortable being me.
I’m particularly drawn to the journaling portion because I enjoy writing and for some reason I like to have documentation. I’ve found in the past that I’ve had many “ah ha” moments from reading journal entries that I made months, or even years before. I know that my writing styles will be all over the place, depending on the day or event, and that’s totally ok. It’s simply a reflection of my current feeling and place in time. I’ve found that once you get started writing, it will just flow and take a life of it’s own.
Thanks again!
Paula
P.S. You are AWESOME!! (It does feel good, doesn’t it?)
3/7/2011
Well then, that was interesting. I’m not used to meditation. I don’t ever do it, even though the Bible states that we are to “pray and mediate on these things.”
Right now, I feel good. Very peaceful. Relaxed. Since I don’t ever meditate, it’s hard for me to “get in the groove” right away. Although I’m pretty aware of physical things and noticed different sensations during the mediation.
Excepts from Paula’s meditation notes:
[...] I know there are blockages there from my upbringing … I heard a verbal message, “There is hope.” … I felt an actual ache and pain. I’m not allowing all that could be given to me because of my feelings of self-worth … I have a fear that if I say I’m not worthy of love and good things that it may actually be true. Therefore I don’t say it. If you don’t say it, it doesn’t exist-right? … 3rd eye was oddly still. Almost creepy … scripture/Bible verses stared pouring through my head. “I am your Lord God, womever shall believe in me shall have eternal life.”
Awareness—I’m not sure I like being aware of all of this. Now it makes me accountable to deal with it. To actually own it. Of course, I can’t move forward until I do-can I? Until I embrace it for what it is, or what it isn’t and just accept it as being a part of me. I may not like it now, but I realize that I have the power to embrace it if I choose. The power to choose self acceptance and love. And to understand that this may take time, but I’m worth the effort.
3/10/2011
Wow, early childhood. I’ve often joked that there is a reason I don’t remember much about being a kid. Once again, the “if you don’t remember it, it didn’t happen” kind of theme. What do I remember? I do remember good things.
I remember the smell of the horse barn at my grandparents. I remember how shiny and smooth the horses got after you brushed them. How it tickled when they ate oats out of your hand. How the big draft horses were so gentle and the miniatures were kind of mean. I remember going to school and riding the bus for the first time. I remember I had a crush on our neighbor-he was a senior and had curly hair. He lived next to my best friend (name removed).
I remember going to church. The church was near my house back then. We played games like anty-I-over and rode the big belly horse. (the big fuel oil tank) I remember getting yelled at for running in the sanctuary.
I remember Cindy having her puppies. Boss Hog, Lulu, Sir Lancelot, Misty and Phantom. Phantom was “mine” until he went to go live on a dairy farm. He was black with a small white patch on his chest.
I remember my parents decided to send us to the Christian school. There were a bunch of us that went in a big white van. The school had a stuffed coyote in the storage room. People would move it around so it would scare or startle you when you walked into a room. It never really scared me though. I remember a girl fell off the stage during our school play.
People:
(this is easier for me to do this in list form)
(name removed) My brother. Usually my good friend. He always had my back and I was fierce towards anyone that I thought was mean to him. I don’t ever remember us fighting. We still don’t.
(name removed) My neighbor and best friend back then. Our moms were good friends too. We had different upbringings, different schools and churches. I didn’t really know what to do with differing opinions and situations that were against our religious teachings and allowed behaviors.
(name removed) She was nice enough. She could sing, play the piano and make up good stories from her imagination. My mother asked me once why I wasn’t more like her.
(name removed) I was nice as I could be to her. It took so much energy to be around her. She was very quiet and once again our mothers were friends. She had a sister with Down’s syndrome and that freaked me out.
Dad- We were close. He was the one who answered all my questions. The one who would put a pencil through an orange to show me how the earth rotated on its axis. The one who would show me the star constellations. The one who seemed to have endless patience for my questions. The one who let me paint his toe nails one summer.
Mom- I don’t have warm fuzzy feelings towards her. I never have. I tried for years to be or do what she wanted but she was never satisfied. Or maybe she was and never let me know it. I couldn’t play piano well enough, I couldn’t run fast enough, my grades weren’t good enough, etc. Finally in my 20’s I decided to stop trying. She helped develop my love for reading and water. She hated/hates animals and I found/find that so strange. I don’t mean to paint such a mean picture of her. She’s my mother and did the best that I believe she could. I don’t trust her.
This rare glance at my past shows me initially that even as a young child I was drawn to animals and that I probably “got” or understood them better than people. People were and still are complicated to me. Then there’s my mother. I really don’t think she wanted a daughter or even a second child. I’m not saying she doesn’t love me. Maybe she just never liked my personality. I look exactly like her physically but personality wise, we’re very different. When you don’t get along with your mother people assume that it’s because you’re so much alike. Not so in this case. I’m assuming it’s because of her, or my perceptions of her that I often feel like I don’t belong or am not “good enough.” Now that I recognize it, what am I going to do with it? Tell my self that I don’t need to be “good enough” for someone else? Convince myself that I’m “good enough” for me? How? Look in the mirror and tell myself that “damn it, people like me”? It makes my head hurt, more than a little. Questions that I don’t know if I have the answers to.
March 12, 2011
Just finished a session with Laura. Reiki today. Beautiful is the best word to describe it.
I emerged from my shell. I’m here now just as I need to be. Brilliant, shining and radiant. Not only can I stop being afraid of being uniquely me, the world NEEDS me to be uniquely me. It needs me to shine and dance and sing my own song. When I think about all the awesome people I know, where would I be and what would the world be like if they didn’t allow themselves to be who they really are? I feel more beautiful than I even thought possible. I can’t wait for what’s next! Bring it and see me shine!
March 19, 2011
It never occurred to me to actually recognize and acknowledge my different “parts” or minds. I feel overwhelmed by the awesome job they’ve been doing all this time. They’ve been actively participating in my journey and I didn’t even know it. My ego and negative mind have done a tremendous job at keeping me “safe” and in the same routine that has sustained my life so far. I’ve never given them credit for that before.
My positive mind—that shining gold light—it says- “what if?” and encourages me to take the steps to follow my dreams. It assures me that I’ve always been cared for and loved and if I dare move into a new area of my life that won’t change. It gives me the hope that what is good or possible now, may actually get better and who doesn’t want that?
I have a great sense of peace now that I have a hint of how they work together and their perspectives. I love that I can now recognize who is being the “loudest” at a given moment. I can then take a look at why it’s being so noisy and then be quiet and hear the true intention of my heart. I can then acknowledge that part and take the steps towards my hearts desire.
Example: new boss at work—lots of stress, lots of tension, lots of negativity, lots of questions.
Immediately I start freaking out at the changes. This isn’t what worked before! This isn’t what’s happened in the past! AARGH! My ego and negative mind took over. My heart and positive mind say-“hey, this could be a chance for change.” A good change. When I’m truly quiet, I know a good change is taking place and this is part of my process. Now I can act on that and there is something with action that brings satisfaction and hope.
Am I nervous? Yes, this might not work out the way I think I want it to. Parts of me are saying stay where you are! It’s reliable and has kept you doing other things that you’ve wanted to do. I know I’ll never be happy unless I try to follow my heart’s desire. If I stay where I am, I’ll whine and fuss and start to cast blame on everyone else not making me happy. (Sadly, I know this from experience) I’ll make my current situation so miserable that I’ll hate life itself until I do what my heart told me to do in the first place. Moral of the story. Listen to all your parts. Appreciate them and move towards your heart’s intent.
March 21, 2011
What do I judge about myself?
That I’m not good enough….
That I don’t deserve that. (good things)
That I’m not “normal”
What do I judge about others?
That they don’t deserve those good things when I think they’re lazy/mean or “different”
Why have I made these judgments of myself?
Out of fear. Fear that with success come responsibilities that I can’t handle. Fear that others will look (or continue to look) at me as though I’m strange or odd.
What purpose has it served?
It’s kept me in the mainstream. Under the radar of other people judging me. It’s kept me from answering their questions that I might not know the answers to. It’s kept me from looking stupid. It’s kept me from failing because I haven’t tried.
Does it serve my highest good now?
No. I’m tired of being in my rut. I’m tired of not fulfilling my potential or dreams. I’m holding myself back.
Why do I make those judgments of others?
Because they don’t behave how I think they should and yet they’re happy. They shouldn’t be happier than me. Wow. I’ve never thought about that before.
What purpose has this served?
Um, none other than at times I put them down to make myself feel good. How sad. To be so self conscious that you have to tear down others to build yourself “up.”
Does it serve my highest good now?
Not so much—no.
I’m thrilled at these questions. I’m not thrilled at my answers. I’m not judging the honesty of them, but I’m so glad they’ve been brought to my attention. Aware that they exist and now what to do with them?
April 13, 2011
Dear Me,
Here’s the deal. I don’t always like you. There are times when you are frozen within yourself. Can’t or won’t make up your mind. What’s with the self doubt? You can weigh in on everyone else’s’ life, but don’t know what you’re doing with your own? Totally judgmental. Why do you let fear hold you back? You see it in others and help them past their obstacles but aren’t brave enough to step up to your own plate. I know you do what you think is best at the time but you’re selling yourself short. And you’re not happy about it either. Plus, it’s not healthy. You don’t hold other’s up to your impossible standards and yet seem to be unable to forgive yourself for not being what you feel is “perfect.” I’d like to say that I’m ready to stop holding myself back. Everything says forgive yourself and grow. BUT, there is that little part of me that says “hogwash.” You can’t truly be free. You can’t truly give it up and let it go. You can’t be completely cleansed and start anew. That stupid nagging voice. That little bit of self doubt. How can one tiny piece of me be so loud? I know that it’s just trying to keep me safe. I appreciate its efforts, but really, I’m trying to get stuff done here. Thank you for being concerned but let me grow. Let me try new things. Let me live wholly. Let me forgive myself and realize that I’m the most perfect version of me there is and celebrate it completely.
Love,
Me
Forgiveness. This is hard. At least for me. It’s a commandment in the Bible. To forgive others even as Christ has forgiven us. I actually worked on this last year. There was a person that I couldn’t seem to be able to forgive. What I finally ended up doing was praying for the ability to forgive them. It took time, but I can honestly say I got to the place where I could forgive them and consider them with love. I won’t say everything with them has been peaches and roses ever since, but the anger and bitterness is gone. To be able to forgive others is hard. Being able to forgive myself seems harder. Apparently I hold myself to a different set of standards. Expecting the impossible perfection. Not seeing that it’s ok for me to be human and embrace the simple beauty of that alone.
May 4, 2011
Wow. A particularly stressful week. Lots of “stuff” going on. Stuff that I’m not used to and not certain how to handle. This means lots of “chatter” in my head and lots of freaking out. It also means lots of anxiety. BUT-yeah for me, I was able to shut off the “chatter” multiple times. I was able to redirect my own thoughts-not all the time-but several times towards more positive things. At one point today, emotions definitely got ahold of me. I was literally shaking. I was able to stop and tell myself “I just need to breathe in and breathe out. That’s all that’s required of me this very second.” Even just that stepping away was blissful. I had no idea. It allowed me to step back and properly assess the situation. I still didn’t like it, but was better equipped to handle it. Amazing.
Not perfect, and happily, I’m able to forgive myself for not being perfect. For not keeping the “chatter” under wraps at all times. But, I’m learning. And, I’m giving myself credit for that. I’m even more excited that I have the ability to do that! To appreciate it for doing its job and then tell it “hey, we’re going to think this way now and just relax for a bit.”
I’ll be honest. At the moment I’m freaking out over work. I don’t know what’s going to happen. I don’t know if the changes will be good. But, I do know that I’ve always been taken care of and that won’t change. I’ll always have what I need. I do know that I don’t want to carry these feelings of anxiety around any more. The kicker is that when I get the chatter to settle down, I’m not hearing anything else. I’m not getting any other messages.
May 5, 2011
So in the middle of my night, my message came. My “ah ha” moment. Since I ask questions often, it only seemed to make sense that my message came in the same way. My message saying “don’t you trust Me? You know I can handle all things and I’ve never forgotten about you. Will you let Me deal with everything?” Amazing! And YES-I chose to let go and stop struggling.
So today, I gave the “chatterbox” a job, that being to find things to be thankful for. Even if it seemed strange, find something to be thankful for. Once I was simply thankful that the power didn’t go off during my shower. I was thankful that the garage door opened. Simple things, but little steps that felt good to acknowledge.
I also found several times when instead of reacting, I was able to stop and think and ask, “ok-is this for the greater good?” Totally helpful! And then it was much easier to simply let go. Like the saying says, Let go and let God. Let go and trust. Trust that it will be OK. It was the best day I’ve had all week! Thank you for that blessing!
This is a totally amazing program! I’ve learned so much and how it can be immediately applied and the effects are mind blowing. Everyone needs to do this program. Such small but wonderful changes can have such huge effects. It’s an incredible way to grow with peace and love. Thank you Laura for sharing this program!